Dear Reader
Whilst the name might evoke the image of a crumbling spire, lost in the deepest woods or at the end of an epic quest, The Old Wizard's Tower can be found not only in a significantly superior state of repair, but much closer to civilization. Arguably at the very heart of such (at least in Northymbra), hidden amongst the tight streets of Eoferwic. A visit is no less of an adventure though, as I am sure you will shortly come to understand.
Those familiar with our beloved capital would scoff at the notion of The Old Wizard's Tower being a hidden gem in the heart of the city, even if they knew every keep, minaret and turret within the Walls. Whilst many of those mighty edifices do indeed belong to the various colleges of magic and alchemy, none are officially known by that moniker*. However, if you sneak down the alley, the name of which escapes me now, approximately a third of the way down from the North-Western end of Ploxwangate you will find a small cobbled courtyard, hemmed in by neat timber-frame buildings. Immediately to your left as you enter you will find a beautiful shop front, the large windows brimming with golden light at any time of day. Above the door hangs a sign depicting the eponymous tower, clad in grey stone, with gold (or more likely highly polished brass) inlay forking out of its ramparts as bolts of lightning across a clear sky.
Crossing the threshold, you will find a modestly appointed room, fitted with a handful of tall tables, mostly lacking any form of seating save for a light sprinkling of tall stools and the odd avian perch. Opposite the door is a small, simple bar of polished wood. Initially I was disappointed that it was entirely bereft of any ale taps, nor were there any kegs stacked and tapped against the wall behind. Instead, a set of simple shelves hosts a dizzying variety of bottles and jars; most contained familiar looking spirits and comfortingly named labels, whilst others looked like they would be more at home in an alchemical laboratory, giving off a feint but disquieting glow...
When I first entered, mid-afternoon, the place seemed deserted. The gentle tinkle of a shop-keep's bell did not immediately call forth any service beast, leaving me a moment to ponder the surroundings as the door closed behind me. The sound of muffled movement emanated from behind the bar, along with a few hard smacks against a heavy wooden door. As I peered across and behind the bar, standing atop one of the aforementioned high stools, the trap door hidden behind burst open, almost knocking me on my tail! From within erupted a shimmering rainbow, or so it seemed. The bright ball of energy started to apologise profusely to me, and as my senses returned I started to recognise the shape in front of me as that of a dunnock, though the brown and grey plumage the species is usually graced with had been augmented with dyes of the brightest hues from across the spectrum. Further to this, clips of gold and silver held sparkling jewels, cut to capture and reflect whatever light was available (though one's upbringing allows one to discern between the cut glass of costume jewellery, even as well made as these specimens, and real stones...)
After helping me back to my feet, the dazzling passerine introduced herself as Pollyanna Merrytail, the proprietor of The Old Wizard's Tower. In her beautiful chirruping voice, she offered a drink by way of compensation, which I gratefully accepted. My suspicions were unfortunately confirmed that beer was not an available option. Pollyanna (for she insisted on being known by her given name) informed me that The Old Wizard's Tower was not like other public houses; rather, it was a "magical mixgetränk parlour". At first I assumed that this was common marketing verbosity, though I was soon to be totally disavowed of that notion. In place of my preferred tipple, I asked instead for my host's suggestion. With a playful wink, I was told not to worry and that she would give me something "unforgettable!" Regular readers will quite understandably assume that this would leave me disquieted, given recent reviews, but something about Pollyanna's demeanour had me quite relaxed. Excited, even, for whatever might come of the evening.
As she flitted about behind the bar, grabbing and replacing jars and bottles of various ingredients seemingly at random, I enquired about discounts for B.O.G. members. Alas, Pollyanna was unaware of the B.O.G. and its mission, but became a strong proponent of the ideals over the course of our conversation. Whilst I did convince her to sign up for a personal membership, she was more reluctant to enrol The Old Wizard's Tower. Without any ales on the premises, though one is reluctant to admit it, one can understand the reasoning behind the decision. I doubt anything will change for the foreseeable future.
Before long, and in what have been a significantly shorter time period but for my interruptions, an intricately sculpted glass snail shell appeared in front of me; something one would expect to find along the canals of Venesia, but not in Eoferwic. It held within a liquid of such a deep and intense blue, one could swear they stared not into a drinking vessel, but up into the heavens on a moonless, clear night. As I brought the opening of the shell to my lips, a spark of golden light caught my eye. Lifting the cup a little higher, I saw an intricate and staggering display swirling within. To my mind, it looked for all the world as though fireflies were shooting up from the bottom of the glass, only to burst into a thousand tiny fragments that radiated outward like the head of a dandelion, before slowly fading. I must confess, I was utterly captivated; I even caught myself letting out involuntary "ooo" and "aah" sounds at particularly impressive explosions! As the lights faded, I finally took a sip of my complimentary beverage. My nostrils filled with the scent of seasoned wood burning nearby whilst my taste buds danced with the flavour of crisp apples and rich caramel. Seemingly cool and refreshing, yet warming and primally comforting at the same time.
With wide eyes, I paid Pollyanna my highest compliments. Rarely have I ever been so enamoured so quickly with a new experience, let alone a culinary one.
"That's just the tip of the iceberg, my love."
And she was right! Whilst I don't think any other drink I had throughout the night quite matched the "Fawkes' Fancy"** for taste, each managed to perfectly balance its constituent flavours. They generally erred on the sweeter end of the spectrum, though a few had very compelling sour notes and some leaned into more herbal regimes. Some were thick and creamy, whilst others were merely syrupy or even as light-bodied as water. A few even fizzed and bubbled! All were cool and refreshing, and deceptively alcoholic! With only a couple of exceptions, one could not have picked up on any typical indicators of liquor, even with a palette quite as refined as mine.
In light of that last sentiment, one should explain how one was able to sample so many different drinks over the course of a single evening, without drinking truly excessive quantities of alcohol and being unable to recall events sufficiently well to pen this review! The first factor in this minor miracle was the clientèle of The Old Wizard's Tower. To a beast, each was vivacious and convivial; almost as excited to extol the virtues of their chosen tipple as Pollyanna herself. To whit, sharing drinks was, to an extent, encouraged. Please do not misinterpret that statement; quaffing someone else's beverage would illicit the same reaction you would expect at drinking establishments the world over!
To sample the drinks of others however, without the risk of spreading any unpleasant diseases, a quiver is fitted at each end of the bar. Rather than arrows as one might expect of such equipment, they are loaded with thoroughly dried and neatly trimmed straw. By dipping one end into the proffered drink (please do not attempt to sneak a taste without the owner's permission!) and sealing the other with the pad of one's paw, one can relieve sufficient sample to experience the fullness of the presented flavours, and a generous hint of any effects it may have. After each taste, the straw is discarded, either in the dedicated basket by the bar, or into the fireplace (the latter often eliciting excitingly coloured flames for a moment or two!)
If you will allow, I would like to take a short diversion to discuss the patrons of The Old Wizard's Tower. Unlike the majority of ale houses across Northymbra, the vast majority are ladies. In fact more than one I spoke to during my visit did indeed hold the title, with a capital 'L'! Despite that, all social strata appeared to have erroded, with aristocracy and pauper alike finding common purpose and easy rapport within. I've been quite liberal with "pauper" here; whilst all are welcome***, the price of drinks does permit only the reasonably wealthy to enjoy The Old Wizard's Tower as a regular experience. One is likely to encounter nobility and the more successful of the merchant classes, perhaps even a celebrity adventurer with coin to spare. Though those of lesser means should not think the experience unobtainable; more, something to be saved for a special occasion, perhaps a birthday or to celebrate upcoming nuptials.
Back to the drinks! Whilst one has discussed the dazzling array of flavours and textures offered, astute readers will no doubt have picked up on and be curious about the effects mentioned, especially given the enrapturing display from the Fawkes' Fancy. Few others produced visual displays within their depths, instead tending to affect the drinker in wonderous ways. The Sapphire Sunrise produced perhaps the most hilarious results; the tiny bubbles rushing up from the bright yellow juice at the bottom to the glass made squeaking pops as they broke the surface of the azure liquid at the top. Supping on the concoction lifted the drinkers voice by more than an octave, resulting in badgers that sounded more akin to mice, and mice (myself included) that could be heard by few patrons other than bats! I'm not sure if either of the bats I met (an astonishing young couple, attempting to fly to every town across this fair Isle with 'bat' in the name, by way of a honeymoon, though they never explained how they ended up in Eoferwic) tried it, but if they did they did not, or could not, mention it. The effect lasted for a few moments, depending on quite how much of the Sapphire Sunrise has been imbibed, before the voice gently and smoothly descended to it's more usualy register.
Another I sampled, delicately balancing rose flavours with the zest of lemons from Surrentum and possessing the soft pink hue of the finest cut rubies, produced the most wonderous sensation. The Lover's Eyeglass made the world seem brighter and happier. Every beast one looked upon seemed suffused with ethereal light; their eyes bright and welcoming, their fur smooth and glossy, even their clothes looked more spectacular and beguiling. Every word they spoke dripped with honey and could charm the butterflies from the buddleia. One should be careful whom one takes home after drinking a full serving of this; though how is that any different to other alcoholic beverages?
One could dedicate an entire tome to the genuinely magical experiences that can be experienced here. Perhaps even a shelf of tomes! As such, one simply cannot include them all here, so for the sake of brevity, a few further highlights included a drink that made me feel like my paws were in a gently flowing stream, as cool and refreshing as any I have actually stood in, whilst another felt more like curling up in front of a roaring fire with a good book. One, after a few hiccoughs, even caused the imbiber to float an inch or so above the floor for a few moments; terrifying at first, but ensuring hilarity ensued once they had gotten used to the sensation! I don't think any drink gave a less than enjoyable experience, for flavour or fun, and many would be the highlight of any other night, but were merely par for the course at The Old Wizard's Tower.
As one might expect of a venue like this, food is extremely limited. Do not expect to get a filling meal, or even a smidgen to see you through. Small bowls of light snacks are sparingly scattered amongst the tables, and refilled with simple nuts and seeds irregularly throughout the night. They are very much intended to accompany your drink, rather than be a feature of your evening. Of course, the bowls are shared between all patrons, which may put some beasts off from partaking.
Whilst the drinks Pollyanna provides offer entertainment enough, along with the excellent company from the genial patrons, The Old Wizard's Tower plays host to a variety of acts throughout the week, from jesters to musicians, poets to mimes, bards of all stripes and even the odd political thinker wishing to extoll the virtues of their proposed forms of governance****. A small stage to the left of the bar raises the performer just high enough to be seen by the assembled masses, with room enough for a couple of badgers, or perhaps up to a quintet of smaller beasts and their instruments. Whilst there was no one performing on the night I visited, Pollyanna assured me of the provenance of the boards by listing acts who have performed there in the past: the famous badger lutist Bryon Winnimonath, the Irish shrew Aisling Biene (it feels unfair to still refer to her as a Jester, given the dramatic acting roles she has secured recently), and the ever enthralling Miss Kiddy and her gang of street urchins, to name but a few! During festival week in Eoferwic, The Old Wizard's Tower can become a regular hive of celebrity sightings, whilst maintaining a cosy and friendly atmosphere.
For many beasts, The Old Wizard's Tower is but a single stop on their night, rather than being the sole locale. As such, the facilities leave much to be desired; a single stall offering little more than a plank above a cesspit. Naturally, the streets of Eoferwic are used by those in greatest need, should the stall be occupied and the weather not too inclement. Whilst they are by far not the worst one has witnessed, one cannot help but feel this is the one aspect that prevents The Old Wizard's Tower from being perhaps the best bar in the city, if not the entirety of Northymbra*****!
To summarise, then: Pollyanna has made The Old Wizard's Tower a place that must be experienced to be believed, and certainly an attraction worth making a detour to Eoferwic for. Whilst B.O.G members may initially be disappointed by the lack of beer, the incredible quality, flavours and truly magical experience of the drinks should quash any such feelings. Do not let the lack of taps perturb you! If you ensure you eat before coming out, you should have a fantastic time; make sure you leave your social status and political stance at the door.
Pollyanna has asked that I include this short cautionary note; please do not try to replicate these drinks at home, as magic is incredibly dangerous in the wrong paws! Just a small mismeasurement could send you spiralling into the sky rather than floating an inch above the floor, or render you permanently mute rather than speaking in a hilarious high pitch for a few minutes******.
As ever, your faithful servant,
Madam E.d.A-M
*"officially" being the operative word there; after all, many are named for venerable mage's of yesteryear...
**Pollyanna was not forthcoming as to whom Fawkes was, or why such a spectacular drink was named for them!
***Even men should feel comfortable, though something about brightly coloured, fruity flavoured beverages seems to threaten their preconceived notions of what it means to be such. Perhaps they think others will judge them for taking pleasure in their refreshments. One simply cannot fathom such notions...
****Quite an odd entertainer indeed!
*****The lack of ale, not withstanding.
******There are a few beasts one feels could benefit from this last side effect, of course...
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